Why Self-Love Will Improve Your Relationships

self love and relationships

Self-love and self-respect describe the way you regard and treat yourself. Self love also involves self-understanding of your values and your worth.

Most importantly, self-love is the connection that you have to the wisest version of yourself and the ability to keep yourself calm amidst external chaos. You can acknowledge that uncomfortable feelings are temporary, you can separate yourself from a spiral of thoughts, and you can tell yourself that you are safe right where you are.

When you are able to nurture self-love and self-trust, you may notice that other relationships and circumstances in your life improve. Partly because you see others through a lens of security rather than grasping for reassurance. You also may just feel more nourished overall. For this reason, self love and relationships compliment and reinforce one another.

I’m going to break down the ways loving yourself first in a relationship is not selfish, and is actually a huge asset to your relationships.

Self Love and Relationships

Feeling insecure is part of being human. We all get hurt from relationships, traumas, loss, and other painful parts of life. When those hurts are unprocessed and internalized, people may be left feeling like there is something wrong with them. They may feel insecure.

When you come from a place of self-love, you know that the things that have happened to you do not define you. You interact with others from this place of security, knowing that your experiences, needs, and feelings are valid. When you interact with others from that place of security, you can be free to bring your most authentic self (one of the qualities of a healthy relationship).

Regulating means calming yourself down when you feel stressed, anxious, or uncomfortable. When you love yourself and respect yourself, you acknowledge your own experience as valid. You don’t have to suppress or deny your own emotions, because you know that you are allowed to experience them.

The ability to regulate yourself means that you don’t project your emotions back onto others. Instead of feeling anxious and demanding that your partner do something to calm you down, you can take a breath, tell yourself you are okay, and work on handling your big emotions.

From that regulated place, if there is still something you need from your partner, you can request that need in a clear, level, specific way that they will be more likely to hear. You practice self love before relationship dynamic resolution.

This is where you’ll start to see self love and relationships go hand in hand.

Needs are hidden on the other side of emotions. For example, often if we are angry, we need to be heard, seen or appreciated. If we are sad, we need support or connection.

Because when operating from self-love you are not denying your own emotions, it is easier for you to access your needs. You can then share these needs with your partner in a clear way.

All of this will set the stage for a productive conversation with your partner, instead of coming at them with confusing mixed-messages from someone who isn’t clear on what their needs actually are because they are so used to denying themselves.

A relationship set with the expectations of completing a person or fulfilling their every need is usually unrealistic. However, if you practice self-love, what you need from someone else changes.

You love yourself, you can regulate yourself, you can accept your emotions, and you can access your needs. From this place, you don’t need a partner to complete you. Instead, you seek a partner to add to you, and to offer love and joy into your life.

Trust is a huge link between self love and relationships. When you feel steady in yourself, it becomes easier to trust yourself. You know that you are living life by your own values and that you are able to tolerate the difficult emotions that come with being human.

When you can trust yourself, it’s also easier to trust others and your partner. When they slip up, you’re less likely to draw meaning about them not loving you or you not being worthy enough, because you already know that you are.

Of course, disagreements and conflict are part of relationships and part of growth. However, with a foundation of trust you can much more easily work through that conflict together.

Like attracts like. How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you. If you are insecure and looking for someone else to validate your worth, you are likely to find someone who also gets their worth validated by you.

However, when you have self-love, you step away from that dynamic, and you find someone who is as sure of themselves as you are. They don’t need you in your life to complete them, but they want you in their life because of how much you can add, just through being yourself.

You build a relationship on mutual trust and respect.

How to find self love in relationships

If self-love does not come easy to you- don’t worry- there is nothing wrong with you. It’s normal for adults who have been hurt in their lives to struggle forgiving, loving, and respecting their self.

A dating and relationship therapist can help you explore the emotions and blocks you experience when it comes to loving yourself.

Again, how you love yourself is how you teach others around you to treat you. A healthy relationship with yourself is the key to a healthy relationship with anyone else.

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