Attachment theory offers a way of understanding the human drive to connect with others that we all share. Yet, at times, this primal need for connection can inadvertently cause dysfunction and self-inflicted pain.
At a basic level, humans learn ways of staying safe in the world during childhood, without having autonomy or control over the environment.
Then, they continue using those strategies as adults and they are not needed anymore, outside the environment of childhood.
While the strategy makes complete sense, it is no longer effective in the present-day environment or relationship and can come at a cost to adult relationships.
How to Develop Secure Attachment
So what is the alternative to unconsciously projecting our childhood programming onto adult partners?
Enter, secure attachment. This is a felt sense of safety and security, within the self, in relationships, and in the environment. It is also responding mindfully to the present instead of reactively to the past.
Attributes of secure attachment
In the example above, instead of the adult shutting down, they may think “okay disagreement with my partner is not enjoyable, but I am an adult and safe right now, and I can face this conversation.”
Here are qualities of a person with secure attachment:
- Trust people to reach out to them when you need them
- Respond to others when needed
- Ability to hold multiple truths (e.g., impacted by past and able to move forward)
- Set boundaries
- Don’t take everything personally
- Can feel close to others even when there is physical distance
- Derive meaning from relationships
Why secure attachment?
Peace, calm, equanimity all come when attachment security is strengthened.
If you do not have a sense of security anywhere, the impacts will project everywhere (e.g. your broader family relationships, your work relationships, your ability to function in your society).
Secure attachment is a paradox: the more safety and security we have in our ability to trust and rely on others, the more we can be independent and explore the world.
We move from codependence to effective interdependence- being reliant and reliable, and being independent.
How to Develop Secure Attachment
The schemas that our unconscious minds are operating from run deep.
To alter these schemas, convince your nervous system that you are safe in moments of conflict or disconnection, and act consciously takes repetition of new experiences of security.
Without those experiences, your body is going to keep trying to protect you from harm.
Here are a few places to start on the path to secure attachment.
Attend Therapy
The process to understanding your history and present dynamics can be complex, and anxiety therapists trained in the EFT model combine their knowledge of the theory with clinical skills to help facilitate this rewiring to safety and secure attachment.
Ultimately, you will work to:
- Learn to understand yourself with compassion
- Rewire your defensive tendencies
- Create new patterns in relationship from the foundation of self-trust
Pause Before Reacting
If you don’t have access to therapy, I like to suggest people start with the practice of placing space between your triggers and your reactions.
When you notice yourself feel like you need to shut down, or to aggressively approach your partner, see if you can stop, and ask yourself:
- What am I feeling like in this moment?
- What just activated me?
- Does my intensity match the situation?
Little by little, journal on these thoughts and see what comes up. Take time to process tough emotions that arise as part of this process.
Yoga + body-based modalities
Yoga teaches the practice of slowing down, to be present in your body, and to breathe through temporary discomfort.
Through these practices, you are training your nervous system that discomfort ≠ danger, and you are actively practicing regulation, all of which can develop the felt sense of security we are looking for.
Creating self-regulation and self-trust to tolerate temporary discomfort on a yoga mat provides practice of the skill required in dysregulated situations across experiences in life.
Meditation
Similar to yoga, meditation also teaches us to create pauses, actively observe our thought patterns, and stay present in times of discomfort.
This can have a similar rewiring effect- we do not have to run away or fight when we feel uncomfortable, but we can stay present in our bodies and minds to assess our safety from a conscious place.
Remember, the patterns that we are up against changing are deeply ingrained, and change takes time.
Give yourself grace for the ways you have learned to survive and time to heal your own heart. From there, you can work toward behaviors that will support your ability to develop a secure attachment.
Communicate Vulnerably In Close Relationships
When we communicate vulnerably, we let go of defenses and invite others to do the same.
Without the need to self-protect in relationships, we open the possibility to have a healing conversation with your partner and get to the root of our feelings and needs.
Communication and relationships that offer accessibility, responsiveness, and emotional engagement when we need them are the foundation of a secure attachment.
Heal Anxious Tendencies
When you learn how to heal anxious attachment, your nervous systems gets a reset. Instead of reacting to situations the ways we learned when we were children, we recognize our safety and autonomy and choose an intentional response.
For example, even though your partner needing space after a fight could feel similar to the way your mother went silent and neglected you if you messed up as a child, you recognize that the situation is entirely different. You are an adult capable to taking care of your own nervous system until you and your partner are both ready to work together.
Join our Mailing List
Periodic updates on mental health + relationships, delivered to your inbox ↓