Shutting Down Emotionally in a Relationship: Why It Happens and How to Stop
Close relationships and meaningful connections with ones we love are some of the most rewarding experiences we have as humans. Therefore, it can come as a halting surprise when the relationships that mean so much to us become a source of disconnection, stress, and hurt.
We’re going to break down one of the common patterns, shutting down emotionally in a relationship, that can lead to conflict.
Instead of simply calling out this pattern and all the reasons we “shouldn’t” do it in relationships, I’m going to break it down. We’ll cover what’s actually happening on an intrapsychic and relational level with emotions in a relationship.
As a couples therapist, I work often with relationships where one person shuts down in the face of conflict. In order to help them stay present, we have to understand why the shut down happens in the first place.
Grounded with this context, based on Emotionally Focused Therapy, you can understand your partner and respond to one another in a new way.
Shutting Down Emotionally in a Relationship
One pattern that can lead to disconnection is shutting down emotionally in a relationship. Shutting down, or “Stonewalling” is one of the four negative horsemen of the apocalypse as described by Drs. John and Julie Gottman.
Some common examples of stonewalling include:
- Pull away from an interaction when conflict comes up
- Shuts down emotionally
- Stops responding, instead tuning out or distracting
Though it can be painful, confusing, and extremely difficult to heal, it’s a common issue in relationships. And, it can lead to further conflicts.
If you are on the receiving end of stonewalling, and you are someone who doesn’t stonewall yourself, it is so natural to feel hurt and confused seeing this response.
Understanding what is really happening in these moments for someone who is shutting down can help you from taking the response personally. From there, you can work with your partner to manage the situation in a healthy way.
What is Stonewalling in a Relationship?
In different people, shutting down emotionally in a relationship, or stonewalling, could look like:
- Difficulty communicating
- Appearing unresponsive
- Emotional and physical distance
- Go to a distraction
- Silent treatment
But what is happening on the inside?
When someone shuts down in a relationship, it can be confusing for a person who is activated and feeling overwhelmed, because on the outside, it looks like they do not care about the situation.
However, shutting down in a relationship is actually evidence that someone is impacted by the present dynamic. The withdrawal behavior is actually evidence of the activation of the attachment system. This activation means that their nervous system was impacted by the threat of disconnection they sensed with the rising conflict and tension.
Because they start to feel so emotionally flooded and overwhelmed by the conflict, they rely on the only option that they think will help: emotional shutdown to avoid even further pain or disruption.
They may think they can’t make things better, but they can prevent making them worse. As such, the discontinuation of emotional expression serves as a defense mechanism.
People shutting down may also have a fear of rejection, causing them to hide or suppress their feelings under stress to avoid being abandoned.
When you understand the strategy of shutting down this way, it is easier to see that the behavior is a coping mechanism to handle stress. This pattern stems from the belief that the person cannot do anything to improve the situation, and that to pull back and prevent further damage is the best option.
Effects of Stonewalling In A Relationship
Without working to heal this pattern, continued stonewalling can lead to adverse impacts on the relationships they are used in. Here are the effects of shutting down emotionally in a relationship.
Confusion
There are two typical responses to stress: fight or flight.
If you are someone who fights, you might view turning up the volume under stress as your way of showing you care, of advocating for the relationship.
Not understanding the mechanisms behind stonewalling will leave you feeling confused about the signals you receive from your partner.
Disconnection
When someone stonewalls, they typically have reached their emotional capacity for the moment. This leads to less ability to continue managing stress and as a result, emotional withdrawal.
Because both people are so emotionally flooded, the interaction gets shut down before the actual root of the issue was addressed.
Plus, the partner who received the stonewalling may feel hurt and decide they want to stop bringing up important issues out of fear of pushing their partner away.
This can lead to a dynamic where partners avoid one another and become disconnected emotionally over time.
Resentment
When negative emotions and communication styles take over a conversation, the real content fight usually becomes lost. People become so angry or upset they forget what they were arguing about in the first place.
The real issues that need to get addressed keep getting lost in the fights. Therefore, the needs of the partners may continue to go unmet. Unmet needs are a sure way to build up resentment in a relationship over time.
Decreased Intimacy
Stonewalling can lead to less emotional security. Without that safety, they are less apt to explore one another in sexual ways. Meaningful intimacy requires a safe space.
Some couples do continue having sex when they are emotionally disconnected. Yet, the intimate encounters do not feel as meaningful and may leave both partners continuing to feel empty inside.
Passive Aggression
Another avoidant and indirect communication method is passive aggressiveness. Passive aggression, which can lead to emotional turmoil, can go hand-in-hand with shutting down.
When situations feel frustrating and someone does not have the capacity to handle them, they may shut down and become emotionally unavailable or inexpressive. Yet, those unexpressed emotions build up inside of them.
After the emotions are left festering, and without the emotional intimacy to communicate clearly, frustration may be expressed in indirect ways. For example, sarcasm, backhanded comments, or withholding affection may be passive ways of communication discomfort.
Why Does My Partner Shut Down When I Express My Feelings?
WhWhen you express your feelings, your partner may become overwhelmed by the intensity of the conversation. They may feel criticized, inadequate, or unsure how to make things better.
As their emotional activation increases, they may think:
- I don’t know how to fix this.
- I’m only making things worse.
- I can’t handle this right now.
Shutting down can become their way of managing that overwhelm. They pull back because they believe disengaging is safer than continuing a conversation they feel unable to navigate.
This does not necessarily mean they do not care. It may mean they care deeply but do not know how to stay engaged when conflict becomes emotionally intense.
Is Shutting Down Emotionally a Form of Abuse?
No, not necessarily. Shutting down during conflict is not automatically emotional abuse. Sometimes, withdrawal is a stress response that happens when someone becomes emotionally overwhelmed.
The difference is often in the function of the behavior.
Someone may take space because they need to regulate and return to the conversation. In contrast, someone may deliberately use silence or withdrawal to punish, control, or intimidate their partner.
A healthy time out communicates, I need space, but I want to come back to this.
When withdrawal becomes a repeated strategy for punishment or control, it becomes a more concerning pattern.
How Long Should A Time Out Last?
A time out works best when it has a clear beginning and end. The Gottman Method recommends taking at least 20 minutes when you become physiologically overwhelmed during conflict.
Use that time to regulate rather than continue the argument in your head. Take a walk, breathe, stretch, or do something else that helps you settle. Stop thinking about the stressor.
Then, return to the conversation when you are able to engage more calmly. The goal is not to avoid the conflict. It is to create enough space to approach it differently.
How to Stop Stonewalling in a Relationship
Now that you know what’s going on for someone who is stonewalling, here are some tips for how to work with them so you both feel heard in your interactions.
Press Pause
The first step to changing any behavior, in a person or within a relationship, is to slow the chain of events down enough to figure out what is happening.
When you start entering a heated conversation, instead of reacting, see if you can slow down and notice everything that is happening in the conversation.
- What happened right before I got upset
- What happened right before I felt the tension build or energy shift
- What sensations do I feel in my body
Start to notice the conditions leading up to those painful moments.
Look Beyond the Surface
Once you slow down the interactions and observe what is happening, the second part of changing the behavior is understanding why the behavior is happening.
This part requires some individual work of both people. Figure out what happens inside you when the tension that leads to stonewalling starts to build.
Ask yourself:
- What did I hear my partner say that made me upset (AKA trigger)
- What meaning did I make of what they said
- What does what they said say about me
- What do I do when I become upset
Share Triggers
Now that you have done some internal reflection, it is important to share these triggers with your partner. Have a productive conversation about these patterns when things are calm.
Your triggers may have to do with things your partner is doing, or they may be hitting on parts of you that have been hurt emotionally in the past.
In the same way, hear your partner’s triggers. Be open to hearing what happens for them internally before your partner shuts down. Be curious about what they see in your actions that dysregulate them.
Having these conversations openly and honestly are key in managing how to date an avoidant attachment style.
Set Boundaries
Usually, couples have fight patterns that feel familiar. You start communicating in a certain way, feel the tension building, and already know how it will end.
During those moments, set boundaries and allow time outs. Call out that you feel things escalating and take a twenty minute break where you both regulate yourselves. Then see if you can come back and unpack what was so upsetting about the moment.
Learn Your Communication Style
In anxious and avoidant relationships, couples typically develop a communication pattern that falls into a theme:
- Withdraw/ withdraw: Both people pull away or stonewall
- Pursue/ withdraw: One person becomes escalated and fights, the other pulls away
- Pursue/ pursue: Both partners activated and approach one another
Once you understand your relationship communication style, you can use that information to let go of your own tendencies and create a new, healthy pattern.
Attend Therapy
Tips 1-5 are incredibly important, but they can be really difficult to do on your own. When you are part of a relationship that means a lot to you, it’s only natural that it’s upsetting and hard to see things clearly when things aren’t going smoothly.
If you need further support, seek professional help from a mental health provider. They will help you cut through emotional distress and rebuild emotional intimacy. And, you will save so much time and further conflict and heartbreak.
A neutral, systems-trained therapist will work like a consultant in couples therapy to:
- Show you where the break downs are happening
- Compassionately listen to your hurts and needs
- Guide you to a more secure relationship
They will help you understand and have compassion for one another, and yourselves, on a deeper level.
Further Resources
Reading books that further break down these dynamics can help you understand them more clearly. Even better, if you read them with your partner, you learn how you can both work toward healing these patterns.
Here are books I recommend for breaking down complex relational dynamics:
Heal Communication with Couples Therapy in Florida and New York
If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, couples therapy can help you:
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